I disappeared for two years. Here is what I learned.
Two years ago I was the result of spontaneous and most of all, poor choices that lead my life to a very unpleasant edge. I didn’t use to value my time but most of all I didn’t value the quality upbringing that my parents gave me.
Do not misunderstand me. When I say I didn’t give value my quality upbringing I mean I had forgotten who I was and that my parents gave value on my personality. And unfortunately, I took this for granted.
Poor choices basically mean poor quality in the company of others. I was a great listener. And I paid for it with my inner peace. People would come to me and talk for hours. I would listen to them carefully. I would encourage them as the most powerful coach. I wanted them to get their lives back, to see them win. I loved these people and I truly believed in them.
Until I realized that misery loves company. Those people were just addicted to my encouragement. They loved the power I gave them and the feeling of change, but they were not willing to make the difficult step of action. They were just addicted to positive information like people love wine. As soon as I realized this, I just listened to what I told them and use my words for my step of action. And I grabbed the opportunity that I created.
Long before this realization, I had faced the psychological consequences of my decadence. I started being afraid of telephone calls, two panic attacks came late at night and self-neglect and apathy was my new reality of life. I felt trapped. I didn’t take care of myself that’s why I was the worst employee you could ever have. No goals, no action, depression, and fear never make a good person to work with.
My memory sacked even for small tasks. I used to apologize for everything and that made me a victim, so the others took advantage of it and started venting their nerves on me. I never replied. I was just pathetic. I had to start from zero. Just leave this place and start all over again.
I was 29 years old. I think the worst part was that I panicked every time my phone rang. I couldn’t reply it, I just couldn’t. This is the worst memory I have from this period. And the fact that sometimes I didn’t eat, because I couldn’t get out of my bed because of fear. So I had to go straight to work.
In my first panic attack, I was shocked. I was sitting on my messy desk when a dark emotion came and grabbed me in chaos. I have no idea how much time this lasted. Maybe one minute, maybe ten or even more. I cannot remember. All I can remember is this dark feeling, the heavy chaos on my chest and the fact that I took a pencil and a paper in my hands for the first time.
This was such a wise thing to do. To be honest, now I am very proud of it. It was a very simple action, but I think difficult to think in such a moment. I wrote down three things I loved about myself. Three things I was proud of, even though it was a long time ago since I last felt the feeling of pride.
I remember I had written down:
Three things I love about me.
- I know how to love deeply and unconditionally.
- I have saved 400 dogs.
- I speak four languages.
And then I wrote down:
One thing I need to change
- Eat healthy food and get vitamins.
It was a good start from where I was. Honestly. I had no power even to do basic everyday tasks.
I took a notebook, wrote the date of the next day and then my two new tasks.
- Cook something.
- Take vitamin C.
You can see my article here about how I got over this phase of my life.
A year passed and I had made important steps that helped me recover partially form this mental and physical sleep. Depression. Then I had to compete for this self of mine and move forward. I had to move to another city, so as to make a new beginning to a place where I knew no one. I had to get rid of all those people that only wanted to talk about them.
So I made a plan and made it. I stopped replying to phone calls, told them that I am in a lonely phase of my life. They said what is wrong with you, have you got a problem bla bla bla. I knew their opinions and I knew they did not have the ability to help me, so I just disappeared. I moved silently, got a job to the new city and got into my house educating myself.
I read a lot. As much as I could. At first, it was difficult because I wasn’t trained, but I insisted. I worked out my brain, as athletes work out their bodies. I started writing down the things I learned. The phone calls insisted but I wasn’t there. They were trying to find the girl whom I couldn’t find either!
Honestly, I need to tell you something. As I was doing this, I was devastated. I felt guilty, I felt a rubbish bin. Honestly. I felt that I was a jerk. I didn´t reply and then I was thinking for days after, that I had to phone them back. but I couldn´t. And all this was a circle of anxiety, weakness, and guilt. Two years have passed since then and I have just recovered from this terrible feeling of guilt. That is why I can write now about it. Because I have got over it.
Sometimes you need to become a jerk in order to pull yourself out of the dark and rescue your wounded mind. Now that I have invested in my brain and feel that my company is an expensive gift, I value myself and time more than anything.
The consequences are brilliant.
The three bullet points I once wrote about what I loved about myself became small paragraphs. The small paragraphs became articles and I am planning to finish my first draft of my first book in two months. I work every day for it.
I reply to my phone calls easily and forgot about the anxiety that ruined my day.
I found the people with whom I can have the deep conversation I had always wanted to have in my life. Philosophy. Nature. Love for life and mindfulness. I have been to the most beautiful places camping with loving people, enjoying the same views and the most important thing. I start feeling a slight feeling of inner peace. Because now I have started being where I belong. I am myself. And, honestly, I can´t wait for the experience of deepening this feeling even more.
Wherever it may lead.
You can read my poem “The silence of others”