Looking deep inside I found what made me think I was lazy

In the moment of acceptance, you stay still with an astonished smile and terrified eyes. Lovely moment.

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“topless woman lying on bed” by Gregory Pappas on Unsplash

I knew I was destroying my life on purpose, but I had no idea what was the reason for. Either you believe it or not, I wanted to go to zero, on purpose. One night, a night I will never forget, I reached my zero. I had my first and only panic attack. I was alone, of course. The idea of what I was feeling, the sorrow I was experiencing for the first time , made me so afraid and sad at the same time. The depth of this feeling forced me reach someone that would understand me. That person was only me. I caught a pencil and a paper in my hands, for the first time. I wrote myself a letter. I filled the whole page, crying shocked. I got in my zero. And that was the moment my passion was found.

Since then, I have been working consciously with myself, to find what is holding me back. What mental viruses I keep holding in my mind, what fears I have subconsciously made up, so as to avoid my true problems. I am very happy to say that I have gone fairly far.

I started making a routine that would help me rescue myself from the reality I had created. It was time to wake up and face it. When I started this routine I used to say, oh god why am I such a lazy person? Why the hell I can’t work as a serious adult?? I have been writing everything down, making real speaking with myself as I was walking. (Walking and running was part of my new routine that would help me change my reality and it was not easy to hold). I have reached in many levels and assumptions until I was shocked to realize that I was making up fears and downsides in my character, I was creating problems in my mind to think, so as to avoid my three true fears that were sitting on their thrones, drinking wine deep inside me, like bosses.

In a moment like this you stay still with a happy smile and terrified eyes. Lovely moment.

These are my 3 fears that hide behind “I can’t do this today, oh god why I am so lazy… I wish I were a working person.. I should be eating healthier, I cannot work if I eat crappy food…I am not a morning person, I am not a night person either. It is self sabotage to avoid what you truly afraid and each person of course has totally different fears, not everyone has to admit them in public, though! Let’s make fun of mine!

1) I am afraid of success. Everyone is afraid of failure! I don’t know why, in my adult life I have got used to failure and I am proud to say that this has become my comfort zone. I am really laughing writing this, but you know what? I do not find it pathetic anymore, I find it great! If I don’t die, this is my starting point and I can only go higher! This is not positive thinking, this is fact. (And I have just got stressed with my success assumption). I am afraid of success, I am afraid that my problem will be solved, I have adored my cage and I feel naked without it. I am so stressed when I think that I can make it, I feel exposed. I have searched in google, I haven’t found a mate that feels the same, making me feel even more comfortable!

2) I am afraid to feel free and without guilt. Religion, society, school and parents must be very proud. I am 31 years old and for the last 14 years I am working with myself to release my mind from each mental weigh I was installed while growing up. Mental viruses are so difficult to be seen and accepted. I have gone deep inside my mind till I found my soul and I still have a long journey. I am addicted to over thinking which I have managed to reduce and I am also addicted to thoughts of guilt. When I feel guilty I tell to myself that feeling guilty is the easy way to react in things that I change, but this doesn’t always work. I am still going out of the box and trying to get into a routine that will set me free from all these human made assumptions.

3) Believe it or not, yes my friend, all this crap is my comfort zone!!! I guess comfort zones aren’t always meant to be safe salaries and boring relationships. Comport zone is wherever you have felt safe, whatever safe means for each person. For the last 10 years I changed almost nothing in my life, I thought going to places I had never been before was a change and I used to sleep happy about that. Until my inner voice, my commission to my soul, erupted and I had no other happy rainbow day left. No other pretending to be happy day left.

In the end, you really do what you have taught yourself to do. Have you taught yourself a craft? Watching TV? Writing songs? Gossiping? Worrying? Self blaming? Experiencing the nature around you? Whatever you have taught yourself, this is what stays with you. This is your company. My company was facebook,self blaming,smoking and guilt. Don’t you feel really jealous of me? I am so lucky I didn’t die.I am so lucky I have a chance to change it. What you teach yourself is your company and your company is your planning for the future. Worrying for the future is planning too. Watching TV is planning too. Teaching yourself something new, is planning too.

I think those fears, if they are left in the dark room drinking wine, with never being noticed, they start to have sex. And this is a panic attack. (Sorry fears I don’t like this party).

To open this door and end the party, is to take a paper and write:

MY TRUE FEARS THAT HOLD ME BACK AND I CAN’T EVEN SEE THEM ON THE PAPER

1.

2.

3.

Yeah yeah I know you don’t have any. But do it.

(No need to tell you the three fat kings and queens are laughing with wine and meat in their mouths every time you say you don’t have any)

So the next thing I am working on is eliminating those 3 fears that were hiding so deep inside, and replace them with another huge fear that seems to be real (If I cannot change my addiction to fears, at least I will turn it into real ones) . The fear of spending my years dreaming what I could have done if I had worked harder, if I was committed to myself, if I hadn’t believed what my mind was telling me, if I wasn’t afraid those 3 things, if I wasn’t a prisoner of my head.

And the journey still goes on, till blood doesn’t feed your brain anymore…..

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