I could have written a positive article full of joy and gratefulness about the fact that I am breathing and I have a roof over my head, but I won’t. I have written about it in the past and I will in the future.
Today I don’t feel like that. And let’s be honest. There are days like that. There are days when this inner monster comes to torture us with guilt about things we have done in our past. Or it’s just me. If it’s just me, you can have a read of what is happening in the mind of a person that feels guilty about what they have done or in the mind of just an overthinker.
I have a problem. I feel guilty about the person I used to be. Basically, it’s my 20’s. Yes, I have a problem with my 20’s. I did not harm anyone else. Or this is what I think. The only person I did harm to, was myself. And I don’t know which hurts the most. Blaming yourself for hurting others or doing harm to your own self.
I am in my early 30’s now. Three years ago I understood that the way I lived could no longer serve me. It never did. My way of life in my whole 20’s served only my fears and the people that were feeding their comfort from my fears. I ended up depressed, broke, mentally sick and physically exhausted. How cool is that?
The day I realized all this cool stuff was awful. Or brilliant. I don’t know. It was a day of change in my life anyway.
I found some pennies that allowed me to move from the city I had been living for the past ten years and change the whole environment. I managed to understand that taking a rest and not quitting was what I had to do. And I feel proud of all of that. I found a job in the new city. And a second. I started reading, I started writing. I started flirting and feeling beautiful again. A feeling I had forgotten. I recovered. Yes, I did it. I never forget that and I am really proud of myself for moving on.
But in my present, most of the days in my week I feel guilty about the person I used to be. I feel guilty for letting others treating me like I was nothing. I feel guilty for putting others' fears above my potential. For letting others’ lack of potential ruin my psychology. I feel guilty for folding my wings neatly in the name of love and comfort.
In my social life, I feel guilty for listening to the same things every day again and again without changing anything. For helping everyone else but not me. For reaching zero for no reason at all. I feel guilty for feeling more comfortable with dying than changing. It kills my inner peace even today that I am working every day for a better future.
I don’t know which hurts the most. Blaming yourself for hurting others or feeling guilty for doing harm to your own self.
I remember embarrassing past moments that ruin my cool present. I am trying to find ways to forgive myself but I can’t. I feel embarrassed. I can’t overcome the feeling of embarrassment.
I know that I can’t do anything more than I am doing right now. I accept that even this awful feeling is a part of the procedure of my healing.
What helped me a lot, was something J.K Rowling once said.
I don’t feel embarraded about being depressed, I feel proud that I overcame this.
It helped me a lot. Journalling and my daily routine are really healing me. Things than I accomplish every day and the bad past habits I quitted have boosted my positive emotions.
I came back to life from nothing. I don’t forget that.
I totally understand that these bad days bring balance in my life. We need the bad days so as to understand how valuable my good days are.
I guess what I need to do is just let these bad days just be. Accept them. Embrace them. Get the best of them. Keep going and learn from them. What I don’t want to be anymore.
And let life just be…I guess this is what it is all about.
Or not. Who truly knows? Maybe I am just an overthinker that can’t enjoy the moment.
What I know is that I am trying. And I’ll keep on trying. Whatever that is.