They Told Me I Was Stupid And They Were Right

I was stupid to try to live a wrong life

A life that my instinct was telling me not to follow.

When I turned eighteen I went to a small town close to my village to study translation. I was very happy because I love learning languages and I decided to learn German and Italian there. My dad went into hospital the same day I moved to my new flat. It was no longer than the end of the month that he lost his battle.

It was devastating for me but I had to continue my life the way it was. It was strange for others to see how optimistic I was with this situation. I really felt full of his love all these eighteen years of my life and I felt lucky I had a father like him. I haven’t changed my opinion about that, till today, I feel that the quality of your time is valuable, not how many years you will stay alive. He gave us true love. We love him back, always.

The small town where I moved helped me a lot, to be honest. It was built between a beautiful sea and a fresh, clean forest. I went walking everyday thinking of him and by the time I went back to my house, I was full of optimistic ideas about life. I started attending my lessons at university, meeting new people who were enthusiastic about their new life, and so I had a new beginning in my life.

I had to find a job so as to have some extra money for my rent and food. I went to places all over the town and in about 3 days I had my first job in a cafeteria! I was so happy!

The first day at work was stressful but fun. Ι was happy that I could speak with so many young people that wanted to have fun. I tried my best to make them feel welcome and fun. And I did it! I wasn’t the best employee, to be honest, but I really wanted the job and I was young, “young people can do everything they want”, I used to say to myself.

I worked in this place for some months and then changed the workplace. I started working at a petrol station. Oh , I really loved this job. There was loud music, I found the job easy and I was really playing like a teen there. I was excited about everything I did, especially when I filled my first camion with petrol! I was happy about my life, everyone liked me and I loved them all. I spent a summer there and I now that I am thinking back in my life, I think this was the only job I really enjoyed. Or maybe it was my youth. Yeah, basically I enjoyed my youth.

One day a professor had the idea for us to go on a trip to Italy. I was very excited and I expressed my willingness to organize the whole thing. I went to all the travel agents of the town to get ideas and offers, I really worked on it. I started looking for offers to travel agencies to organize the whole thing and I ended up finding a job offer from one of them.

When I spoke with the professor he finally said that he did the whole thing to have some time with me. Now that I am thinking about it I feel frustrated with him because he took advantage of his position to have fun. But in the end, who cares, old people can become really funny when they try to avoid their lives.

I really didn’t want to work in this field, but I needed experience and some pennies that they used to pay. In this world you need to go to school and get a job, that’s how you become experienced, that’s how you are happy and fulfilled. Or at least that’s what I used to think it was life.

I worked there for 3 years, working with people that were full of anxiety, shouting on the phone, because they were “strong and good in their jobs”. They used to tell me that I was stupid because customers and co-workers used to exploit me. I knew they were right, I was awful at the job and that made me really stressed.

I couldn’t answer back to them, I used to solve my problem in the bathroom, where I went to cry. I had lost the game in this office, that’s why I changed job. I went to another office that was in a similar field, not because I liked it, but because I should succeed and make it. That’s what I used to hear in my family and my environment.

Of course, I didn’t! Soon the colleagues understood that I was a loser, because that was my attitude and started behaving the same. For them I was weak and I made many mistakes. Soon what they said became true because deep inside I wanted to prove they were right. I had the worst relationship with myself, I know! But today, I am very happy about that!

For some reason, I wanted to fail, deep inside of me that was my intention. I wanted to fail big and glamorously. Everywhere I failed, my attitude was the same pathetic loser behavior and the colleagues used to ridicule me. I tried my best to have a good customer support, but when someone came to my office and said anything, I was about to collapse. And I was fired . Again and again, in many jobs. I was fired from one job and got the other, all the same. This period was a mess for me psychologically.

People make money when they wake up early, even at 5:30 in the morning, to do the job, sell, clean, smile, listen to all the stupid things you have to speak out so as to maintain your cheap and fragile confidence, get the pennies you “deserve” and return home to have a couple of drinks so as to have the impression I am ok. That’s life and that how people make money, they said.

All these people used to tell me I was a failure, I was stupid that I couldn’t follow them, they knew what they were doing, the thing is that I didn’t like what they were doing. They were shouting, they were stressed, I really would never want to have support by them as a customer. But all the bosses liked that and the pressure they put. I didn’t care what the bosses wanted. I had no purpose to stay in the jobs, I had depression and I really didn’t care anymore, even about what I was about to eat.

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I collapsed just to get to the point to realize all these people were totally right. I was stupid. I was stupid to insist on a way of life that didn’t serve me. I was stupid to insist on staying in a relationship where the person didn’t really care if I would stay alive and cared only about his needs. I was totally stupid to not open myself and speak up my mind to a friend. I was the ultimate idiot to not work for my passion. I was stupid the let my creativity spent in things that weren’t for me and the purpose I wanted to serve.

I was the queen of the losers because I insisted on becoming someone I wasn’t meant to. I tried to settle so unsuccessfully, that I made my success as the person I was meant to be, the only way of my survival.

The years passed and my depression saved my life. Now I am glad I didn’t make it in a life that wasn’t mine. Now I am not stressed, I am passionate. Now I don’t have colleagues, I have people that we share ideas and knowledge. Now I don’t have a boss, I have a commitment to myself.

They told me I was stupid and they were right. I was stupid to try to live a wrong life, which my instinct was forcing me not to follow.

When you are unhappy you are on the wrong path. When you are unsuccessful, the place you are in is not meant to be yours. When people care about their needs and only, they are not your people. When you rescue yourself and then you feel like crying from happiness, you realize that your previous life was not the life you were meant to live.

If you feel the same right now, take all the risks you need and change your life. It is difficult, I know. But do you know what is more difficult? A life in some years from now, where you will be regretting that you took comfort in uncomfortable situations.

Get used to being afraid and master your fear. If where you are now was the life for you, you would be happy today, my friend.

Written by

I love writers, writers are good people. They speak in your mind with your voice. I will be writing every week until I become a voice in your beautiful head.

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