They told me I was stupid and they were right

They told me I was stupid and they were right. I was stupid to try to live a wrong life, which my instinct was forcing me not to follow.

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When I turned 18 I went to a small town close to my big village to study translation. I was very happy because I love learning languages and I decided to learn German and Italian there. My dad went into hospital the same day I moved to my new flat. It was no longer than the end of the month that he lost his battle. It was devastating for me but I had to continue my life the way it was. It was strange for others to see how optimistic I was with this situation. I really felt full of his love all these 18 years of my life and I felt lucky I had a father like him. I haven’t changed my opinion about that, till today, I feel that the quality of your time is valuable, not how many years you will stay alive. He gave us true love. We love him back, always.

The small town where I moved helped me a lot, to be honest. It was built between beautiful sea and a fresh, clean forest. I went walking everyday thinking of him and by the time I went back to my house, I was full of optimistic ideas about life. I started attending my lessons in university, meeting new people who were enthusiastic about their new life, and so I had a new beginning in my life.

I had to find a job so as to have some extra money for my rent and food. I went to places all over the town and in about 3 days I had my first job in a cafeteria! I was so happy!

The first day at work was stressful but fun. Ι was happy that I could speak with so many young people that wanted to have fun. I tried my best to make them feel welcome and fun. And I did it! I wasn’t the right person to be honest but I really wanted the job and I was young, “young people can do more things”, I used to say to myself.

I worked in this place for about a year and then changed workplace. I started working at a petrol station. Oh , I really loved this job. There was loud music , I found the job easy and I was really playing like a teen there. I was excited with everything I did, especially when I filled my first camion with petrol! I was happy about my life, everyone liked me and I loved them all. I spent a summer there and I now I am thinking back in my life, I think this was the only job I really enjoyed. Or maybe it was my youth. Yeah basically I enjoyed my youth.

One day a professor had a brilliant idea for us to go on a trip to Italy! I was very excited and willing to organize the whole thing. I went to all the travel agents of the town to get ideas and offers, I really worked on it. The professor finally said that he did the whole thing to have some time with me, but at the end who cares, I got a job in one of the travel agencies that I looked for special prizes. I was annoyed with the “professor” but now who really cares.

I really didn’t want to work there, but I needed experience and some pennies that they used to pay. In this world you need to go to school and get a job, that’s how you become a human, that’s how you are happy and fulfilled. This was the place where I understood that I suffered from a huge anticapitalist desease. I suffered from “Not being able to follow” disorder. And this followed me for the rest of my life, till today. That is a huge problem. That is a factor that causes suffer not only to you, but also to the people around you (unless those people are around you and a fireplace, talking about the stars and life, there is no problem there).

I worked there for 3 years, working with people that were full of anxiety, shouting on the phone, because they were “strong and good in their jobs”. They used to tell me that I was stupid because customers used to exploit me. I knew they were right, I was awful and that made me really stressed. I couldn’t answer back to them, I used to solve my problem in the bathroom, where I went to cry. I had lost the game in this office, that’s why I changed job. I went to another office that was in a similar field, not because I liked it, but because I should succeed and make it.

Of course I didn’t! Soon the colleagues understood that I was a loser, because that was my attitude and started behaving the same. For them I was weak and I made many mistakes. Soon what they said became true because deep inside I wanted to prove they were right. I had the best relationship with myself , I know! I am very proud of me about that!

For some reason, I wanted to fail, deep inside of me that was my intention. I wanted to fail big and glamorously. Everywhere I failed, my attitude was the same pathetic loser behavior and the colleagues used to ridicule me. I tried my best to have a good customer support, but when someone came to my office and said something, I was about to collapse. And I was fired . Again and again, in many jobs. I was fired from the one job and got the other, all the same, because that’s life and that’s how people make money.

People make money when they wake up early, even at 5:30 in the morning, to do the job, sell, clean, smile, listen to all the stupid things you have to speak out so as to maintain your cheap and fragile confidence, get the pennies you pay and return home to have a couple of drinks so as to have the impression I am ok. That’s life and that how people make money.

All these people used to tell me I was a failure, I was stupid that I couldn’t follow them, they knew what they were doing, the thing is that I didn’t like what they were doing. They were shouting, they were stressed, I really would never want to have support by them as a costumer. But all the bosses liked that and the pressure they put. I didn’t care what the bosses wanted. I had no purpose to stay in the jobs, I had depression and I really didn’t care anymore, even to what I was about to eat.

I collapsed just to get to the point to realize all these people were totally right. I was stupid. I was stupid to insist on a way of life that didn’t serve me. I was stupid to insist on staying in a relationship where the person didn’t really care if I would stay alive and cared only about his needs. I was totally stupid to not open myself and speak up my mind to a friend. I was the ultimate idiot to not work for my passion.

I was the queen of the losers, because I insisted on becoming someone I wasn’t meant to. I tried to settle so unsuccessfully, that I made my success as the person I was meant to be, the only way of my survival.

Now I am not stressed, I am passionate. Now I don’t have colleagues, I have people that we share ideas and knowledge. Now I don’t have boss, I have commitment to myself.

They told me I was stupid and they were right. I was stupid to try to live a wrong life, which my instinct was forcing me not to follow.

When you are unhappy you are in the wrong path. When you are unsuccessful, the place you are is not meant to be yours. When people care about their needs and only, they are not your people. When you rescue yourself and then you feel like crying from happiness while laughing, you realise you previous life was not the life you were meant to live.

If you feel the same right now, take all the risks you need and change your life. Get used to being afraid and master your fear. If where you are now was for you, you would be happy.

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I love writers, writers are good people. They speak in your mind with your voice. I will be writing every week until I become a voice in your beautiful head.

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